I'm finished...

What difference would it make if I really was dead? I believe the answer is none at all. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand it anymore. I can't be around anyone at all. I hate everyone and don't want to be around them. I don't know. I'm going to kill myself and that is it.

Different Kind of Pain by Cold

California Love

Well, I have decided to pack up and move to California. Southern California. That means I will be living near the beach, going to the best shows in LA, and making sweet, sweet money! It will be the great new start that I've needed! I can't wait to get there! Wish me luck!

Summer Love by Justin Timberlake

Shaken

Running in circles
Chasing pain
Of yesterday
Shaken...fearful
Because I've come
Back for what is trouble
And Still...

I will wait it out
I will wait it out
I will wait it out
I will not be shaken

Strange calls to meet those
Who feel and know
How to give up
The stage lights
And heroes
Razor pain
Rubbed it all away, love
Still....

I will wait it out
I will wait it out
I will wait it out
I will not be shaken

Didn’t notice it right away
Didn’t notice it until it was too late
I’m gonna change my desire
For your all consuming fire
Didn’t wanna cry out at night
Didn’t wanna stop at mid flight
I didn't plan for the fall
When I was running from it all...
Have I no evil
Citizen Cain
Slowed- my desperate running
Still....

I will wait it out
I will wait it out
I will wait it out
I will not be shaken
I will not be shaken
I will not be shaken
I will not be shaken


Shaken by Shiny Toy Guns

What if?

What if you told someone that you wanted to kill yourself over and over again and they just blew it off? Or what if they told you stupid shit like, "Oh you have so much to live for."? What if all they did was told you that they cared and didn't want you to when you know that they really don't? What if then after warning people over and over again you killed yourself? What then? Would they realize that you were serious then? Will they act like they had no clue? Will they notice that when you were telling them that you couldn't be helped when they offered that you were secretly begging for them to save you because you couldn't save yourself? Will they finally see that suicide is real and you were serious? I hope so......


Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

Seriously?!

So I got fired from Los Hermanos today. As if my life couldn't suck anymore than it already does. Oh but I have plans. I will go out with a bang to say the least. It's all a bunch of dog shit and there were no grounds whatsoever for them to fire me. Whatever. I'm more pissed than you can imagine. What am I supposed to do now? There is nothing. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. Soon, I'll be homeless too. Then I really will be fucked. When they were saying the words "We are going to have to let you go" I couldn't even believe it. I was scheduled for 40.5 hours this week. If you knew how difficult it has already been for my dear, poor Candice to have the number of people she needs working while giving them the hours they want, you would see that this is the stupidest thing they could've done. She was pissed off too. I can't even feel good about the fact that they screwed themselves by firing me because it is Candice who has to find a place for those 40+ hours. Craig and Lisa Witham are a couple of stupid ass douche bags who don't know what they are doing. I hope they have to close down because no one will work. I have about 3 friends there who are about to quit too. If you knew how desperate they were for people you too would know that they utterly can't afford to fire anyone or have them quit. I hope the place burns to the ground tonight after everyone is gone!

Cast It Out by 10 Years

9:30 AM and Shiny Toy Guns

Well, it's 9:30 AM and I am wide awake. I can't believe it. I get up at like 9:15 (that's before my alarm even went off! I'm kinda excited! I woke up, checked my email and such and am currently blasting Shiny Toy Guns. They are becoming a serious obsession! The reason that I woke up so early is probably because I was asleep by like 10 last night. But, I know that this great feeling won't go on forever. There is no way that I will go to bed that early again any time soon. HAHAHA...I'm so stupid but I'm 21. 21 year olds do not go to bed at 10! Oh well....until next time!


Jackie Will Save Me by Shiny Toy Guns

We'll see...

Some people have asked so I decided to deliver the answer. This is my arm. This is also the tattoo of a star on my wrist. Yes it is real. Yes it did hurt A LOT! Yes my mother was pissed about it. But she will have to get over it. I like tattoos. It's the one thing that I can do to my body that isn't all that self-destructive. When I am 80, yes it will still be there but I will probably still love it. In fact, I wanna get another one. Some of my friends told me that I shouldn't get anymore. One of them even has a tat of her own. I don't see what the huge deal is. Whatever...onto other business....

I have had a touch of catastrophe strike my life in that last few hours. My sunglasses....the beloved ones that I love, have gone missing. Or as I believe it, they have been stolen. By the way, how pathetic is it that I blog out sunglasses? Back to the matter at hand, I think that someone in this house has stolen them. They will pay! I mean, these weren't really nice or even expensive shades (I got em on sale for like $8 at WetSeal) but they are my favorite things in the world. They are my signature accessory! Where are they??!!

Anyway, I was looking at old pictures today of me and my friends that I don't really hang out with anymore and it made me sad. Those were fun days. But, whatever, I'm not going to dwell on that because most of those people don't even know me now.

So, I'm sitting here listening to The Sounds and thinking about how weird I am. I think I'm going to paint my nails black or so hang out with some of my skater kid friends. At least they are cool and listen to good music. I need to hang with some people. There are several people that I want to chill with that I never have before. I'm afraid that they are too cool for me though. How sad would that be if they really thought they were? They are too cool to think that they are too cool though. I mean, these people are cool! Anyway, the point is that I want to be part of them. We'll see. We'll see....

Positive Tension by Bloc Party

Bored=lots of blogging

I'm bored, as you can tell from this picture. Here I sit at the computer blogging over and over again! Who am I? I should get a hobby but it is Sunday after all. Sunday translates into the most boring day ever! I would say that there is something that I should be doing but there really isn't. That would be a refreshing thought except that I am helplessly bored out of my skull. I've been sitting here eating cerel, listening to music (KT Tunstall right now) and being depressing...even to myself. My blogs get more and more pathetic but it's not like that many people read them. There is nothing to do and without a car, there is nowhere to go. Before the car wreck that stole my existence, I would go an a ride with my music and think. I can't even do that now. What a sad piece of crap. I should stop complaining. I've got some good things in my life. There are a lot of things that I love and I should be listing those instead of whining relentlessly about how bored I am. Here are some things that I love in no particular order:

1. Discovering a new band or a new song. I love having something new going through my head.

2. Working at Los Hermanos. Well, the people I work with anyway. We are all a bring family that have each others' backs. I love it!

3. Feeling the sun on my skin. Even if it's cold outside, it feels so good and makes me feel a little bit more alive.

4. My big "Nicole Richie" sunglasses. They are one of my favorite things. I love to hide behind them, I just feel too vulnerable at times to be seen so they protect me. They are my babies.

5. Texting....it's a sad addiction for which I constantly get in trouble at work for.

6. MUSIC...there aren't words to describe the relationship that I have with music. Especially my music. I love it and I let it define everything that I am. I would utterly be nothing without it and that is saying the very least.

7. Grey's Anatomy-I am obsessed and addicted. I should go to rehab for it. It is so deliciously inticing! I feel like I am a character on the show.

8. Sweaters-especially with hoods. Not only can I hide under the lovely hood, I hate being cold and love feeling warm.

9. Skinny Jeans. I don't have enough of them! They are great!

10. Painting my nails black. I mostly do it just to get a reaction out of the poor conservative people of the world.

11. Taking pictures...I love this. I love capturing a moment that will never happen again. It's a cool feeling.

12. British people. They fasinate me to no end! I love the culture and the music and the fashion and the accents!

13. Scarves-they are fun and I feel protected from the evil cold which is always a good thing.

14. Seattle. That place is where I will raise my children! It is totally abstract and wonderful there. It is totally my style and you can't beat the beauty of the forest and the beach in one place! Plus Kurt Cobain is from Washington which automatically makes it better than all the other states.

15. Singing at the top of my lungs. When I went to the Dashboard concert last winter and they played "Vindicated", me and my friends screamed the whole song at the top of our lungs! It was so awesome and it feels good. I do the same thing now with "You are the One" by Shiny Toy Guns...which brings me to the next point...

16. Electronica. If I can dance to it, even better! I love it. It's almost like 80's music which is always super!

17. Dancing....hip hop, ballet, jazz, 80's (my recent fave)...any of it is so wonderous. I took ballet and jazz for 10 years but I'm sort of over that. I love love love 80's dancing though. It's so easy and natural and you can look like a complete ass and no one will notice!

18. Rain. I love playing in it and hearing it and kissing in it.

19. Being held by someone you love...enough said there.

20. Holding babies.

21. Shopping+me=addicted.

22. The beach

23. Driving...anywhere.

24. One-skating along the Strip in Vegas...good times, good times.

25. Head-banging (I mean hardcore-break-your-neck-headbanging)

26. Chasing a soccer ball anywhere anytime

27. Sitting somewhere with hot chocolate, whilst watching it snow.

28. Someone playing with your hair (or playing with someone's hair)

29. Writing

30. Hearing I Love You.

Well, there are probably a million more of these but that's all for now. I feel much better now.....and less emo (well maybe a little).

Burn Your Life Down by Tegan & Sara

Sad excuses for being eccentric.

It's 2:50 PM and my phone has done nothing all day. It hasn't rung or beeped or anything. This is the sad reality I've come to realize is my life. No one is wondering what I'm doing or how I am. I have to ask myself why I let my life become this mess of nothing. What a wonderful example of a failure I am. How do I get out of this whole that I've dug for myself? I get more and more eccentric the more alone I become. That's not so bad I guess. I like being unique. But that hasn't really gotten me anywhere either. I'm so tired of my own personality. But what if this isn't my personality? What if a couple of years ago I decided to put on this facade and then I just got carried away and lost my real one? If that is actually the case (as random as it may be) how do I reverse this?? I'd love for someone to tell me but I am after all alone. If I were to tell everyone I know that I never wanted to speak to them again, what would they say? Would they beg me not to do that? Nope...doubtful. Would they say well okay, she has issues? That's more like how it would go down. But, whatever. I want to find new friends and new things so this will be all fine and great someday. This weekend I may just go clubbing and say screw em all. I need to dance. I went 80's dancing a couple of weeks ago and I love it so much. I need to go more frequently. That would be a hell of a lot easier if I wasn't scheduled for 40.5 hours of work this coming week! WTF??!! I love Candice but is it totally necessary for me to work that much! Los Hermanos is running me into the ground but I love it! I'm so oddly addicted to that place that I must be a masochist for sure. I guess I really love the deliciousness of making no money, being way too overworked and having customers annoying me 24/7. What is it about that place?? When I figure it out, I'll let you know. Everyone says the same thing...I can't get away from this place. When one of us does quit, we all watch them walk away but never follow. I am a sick masochist....we are all the sick masochists of Los Hermanos! I didn't wish to be this random throughout the whole blog but I always start writing and then forget why it was so bloody important for me to write that. Who am I??

I broke out my old favorite flannel shirt this morning and words can't express my joy to have it on my body. I'm secretly Kurt Cobain's little sister obviously. But this shirt always makes me wanna just sit around and smoke and listen to music. I should stop wearing it. I love it though. I found it in a thrift store in high school. Weird clothing is becoming an obsession for me. I want people to stare at me and wonder what I was thinking more and more. I love the looks on peoples faces! I am loving being random and odd more and more. Well, I think I've wasted enough time for now.

Down Now by French Kicks

Not where I wanna be.....yet.

I have a plan. Several plans actually. Well, they are more like goals or ambitions....or maybe just wants that I need. I'm not really for sure but that is neither here nor there. The point is that I have to get my shit together. I'm on the verge but not quite there. I want to have what I used to have and these things may sound stupid or shallow but I don't care. Right now I need friends. A crew, like I used to have. The friends that I do have right now are not the dedicated friends that a girl needs. They are fair-weather friends and the weather hasn't been that fair if you know what I mean. Almost all the people around me aren't for real. I'm starting to realize that this is harder to explain than I thought. I know these people who have this group of friends and they are always together and are always there for each other and their worlds revolve around each other. I want friends like that! Where the hell are those people? I don't hang out with the right people in the right places and it has been quite frustrating lately. Friends should make time for their friends...I make the time but don't have the friends. I'm a loser of sorts I guess. But whatever....I'm changing so many things in my life right now. I'm actually working to become the person that I want to be. The person that I'm supposed to be. I wear the clothes I want to, I listen to the music I want to and I act the way I want to. I just need a backbone here. Everyone needs that. So, where's mine?

Apologize by OneRepublic

I don't know why....

Broken dream and bloody promises. Is that all I've been left to survive with? Surviving is the only thing I can manage recently. I want to change everything and nothing all at the same time. There are things that I just don't understand about myself. I don't know why the things that random friends or people say sometimes inspire me into a frenzy of writing and thinking. I can't capture it fast enough. I don't know why nothing really makes me happier than listening to electronica as loud as possible and dancing ridiculously to the almost 80's beat. Shiny Toy Guns, you rock me. I don't know why I don't want people to see my eyes when I'm in a certain mood. I HAVE to have my huge Nicole Richie shades people! I feel naked and exposed if anyone can see me. I don't know why I want people to read my deepest thoughts when I know it makes me feel naked. I am seriously slipping because I just think in circles now. Everything is so abstract but I love it all at the same time. I don't know why I feel so safe with my long hair in my face and in my eyes. I suppose hiding is my newest hobby. My best friends ask how everything is and I avoid them like the plague. I don't know why. I just don't know anymore. I'm starting to feel comfortable in my lonerish skin for now though. I was so terribly upset about not having what I wanted that I didn't notice that what I have is sort of better for right now. Especially since, if I did have said boy, when would I see the poor fellow? I don't know why no one is more attractive to me than someone who wears the tightest jeans he can find and has the longest hair he can grow. I've discovered recently that I love confidence more than anything. I discovered this on my own path to higher self esteem. I love people who are passionate about random things like music or books or anything that is their cause. I don't know why I'm the most passionate person I know. I should be surrounded by people who love things as much as I do. I don't know why I'm shallow about weird things like taste in clothing or preference of music. If a guy has stupid taste in music, I just can't deal. I'm in a relationship with my music that is indescribable....we are involved! I don't know why the only way I can express myself sometimes is through music but that is one thing that I don't want to unlock the secret of. I don't know why I even care about the things that I can't explain. There are a million questions and not a lot of answers right now but that is quite okay with me!

Rainy Monday by Shiny Toy Guns

Not one of them.....

There are people that write about happy and fun things in their life. I am not one of them. Trust me, if there was something wonderous and great to write about, I would. There just isn't any of that going on right now. When you are left high and dry by those you love, it's a little difficult to be excited about your now miserable existance. What the hell do I have to be happy about? Not much of anything. What's so new about that though? I am such an emotional freak or something that people won't stay my friend. That's why I shouldn't have moved to this hell hole of a state. At least in Kentucky I can get drunk and have those who love me around. It's not like anyone will read this anyway....

Roll Over and Play Dead

A look around and just feel alone. Falsities are all around me. People say they love me and care about me but my own mother doesn't even call me. I'm not saying that I have absolutely no one because there are a few people in my life who say that they care and I know that they do. Then there are all the others who have all their excuses and reasons why. They say one thing and do another. I just want to have those people that everyone else has. I'm just bitter I guess. What's so wrong with being bitter in this situation though? There is always something that is never right. It's something to feel nothing at all. That's how I'm starting to feel now. Like that if I get upset I am just being too intense. But please allow me a few minutes to be intense and overreact like usual. This is the only way that I can be okay someday. Before when my friends would completely well not be friends, I would just look the other way but I can't roll over and play dead anymore. Why am the only one without someone? It is always this way. If people weren't so fake maybe I'd know what is so wrong with me. People act like everything is so great and that they have to have me in their life and then here we are. They move away, they study abroad, they get new roommates and then there's me. And those people don't feel like this. Promises are meant to be broken I suppose. But what am I? In third grade being sad because my dad didn't get me a bike? No. When you tell someone that you are there for them, then you are there for them. Isn't that the rule? Why is it that I have the stupidest people come into my life? I have two great people right now and thank God for them. When the smoke clears, they are all that I have left. Those who betray, lie, and hurt can't be important any longer.

Person

Lately, I've been watching my friends and their friends interact. I've noticed that though there are several friends that I consider best friends, none of them consider me theirs. There is always someone that they are closer to. I had one friend tell me once that I was her best friend but that she has tons of "best friends". Wow. She really knew how to make me feel special. I just want that type of friend for myself. These people like me enough to be friends with me so I don't get the problem. It hurts me. Everyone has their "person". Well, who is mine?

But why?

I have so many thoughts right now that I have no clue what to do with them. I feel so alive and inspired by everything around me. I am finally coming into my own. However, I don't know what to think about it. Everything is happening so fast. I don't feel like the other people around me either and that is nice. All anyone ever talks about is getting married and having kids. These people are younger than me. What are they thinking??!! I mean, if love happens to hit you at a young age go for it but don't freak out if it doesn't. For a while I felt the pressure to get married but why? That is stupid. While these crazies want to get married, I want to live in England and meet Imogen Heap. I want to eat Italian food in a real Italian place in Italy and these people want to pick out a wedding dress. I do want to date Zach Braff though but that is just a fantasy. I feel like people don't have real dreams anymore. There are about 10 careers that I would love to have in my life in all opposite directions while some people want to be a housewife. I find it sad and as a feminist, it is setting women back a million years.....again. Everything is so jumbled but it's okay. I know what I want and everyone has their things. I think that the reason that I am not married or even in a relationship is because I am so (maybe too) passionate. I can't date a guy who hates the music I love, or dresses wrong, or doesn't like the fact that I'm so independant. I'm passionate about that stuff and most guys can't take it. I have so many sides that nobody sees. Someday that boy will come along and sweep me away. When? I don't care....I just wanna be me.

Boys are annoying!

Boyfriends are so annoying. Whether it's yours or your best friend's-they are all annoying to someone who's not you. Take my best friend for example. Her boyfriend is extra annoying and no one really cares for him. He takes EVERY second of her time from us and is seriously like always right there. Annoying right? It doesn't help that the poor girl can't maintain a balance for the life of her but still. And what's worse is that when we complain that we never ever see her we are accused of not being supportive. It's all hogwash. Of course we want our friend to freaking be happy but cheese and rice. Why do boys, especially boyfriends demand every second of our time? Like back off. The one wonderful boyfriend that I have had actually didn't do that and it was nice. We always had plenty of time together without having to abandon our friends. He told me that he didn't want my friends mad at him or for my friends and I to have problems because of him. Isn't that nice? A boy who thinks of someone else besides himself. My best friend's boyfriend should take a lesson. Think to yourself-does your boyfriend annoy the other people in your life? It's problem. There has long been a secret battle between "the best friends" and "the boyfriends". But it doesn't have to be Sisters Before Misters and all that just learn to maintain. MAINTAIN people! This friend of mine nearly lost both of her best friends over it. (It was that bad and sort of still is). So the question is now to the boys-why are you so damn annoying? Back off! As a girl who has given up on the opposite sex, stop ruining friendships with your stupid demands and freaky behavior. Boys are either scared of commitment or they are attached to your hip from the get-go. Where's the happy medium? This boyfriend of my friend is such a freak. We are in Provo and he has the fever. She can't even see straight but they have only been together for a month. It's just not right. If they were to actually get married, I'd slit my throat. What is wrong with you people? What ever happened to normal dating? The kind where you made time for everyone and if you actually did fall in love it was after a long courtship and you actually knew each other if this occured. What happened to that? They should teach that in a class at BYU. I want my friend back. Annoyed best friends of the world-unite and TAKE BACK YOUR FRIENDS!!!

Car Living 101

Guess what folks, I live in my car! Yay for me and the dismal day. I suck at life right now, so what. Living in your car isn't all that bad. Finding a place to shower and stuff is the problem. Never fear though, I got that covered. It's just the knowing that it is going to be a long damn time before I have a place of my own. Ingrid Michaelson said to "Keep Breathing"....did she live in her car in Utah? No. Just ask yourself if you would ever actually live in your car. Would you survive? I do stupid things that lead to this crap. Such is life I suppose. I can deal. You really do discover who your friends are in these type of situations though. Apparently I have none....whatever. I have my self and that is all a girl needs sometimes. You have to get to know yourself right? This is my getting-to-know-Megan phase. Not really but it's a nice thought right?? While I'm rambling, can you ever really know yourself as a person other than who you already are. There is not "finding yourself". You just are who the hell you are and you get over it. We are all messed up and damaged. We seek shelter in one another. Some people don't grasp that though. That is the problem and that is when we feel the pressure to find ourselves. Sad Sad Sad. So, in conclusion-if you have issues....who doesn't?

The Whateverness of living today.....

Well, no longer am I in school. No, I am not a quitter. Okay, well I am but not for good. Just for a semester. This whole being-in-charge-of-your-own-existence-thing sucks. Plain and simple. I couldn't pay for the over charging of school and books so I dropped out to save money. Does that make me a failure of sorts? Not really. I will be a doctor dang it. Things happen people....got over it already!

Seize the day or something

Well folks, school has officially started for me! It's crazy because I haven't been to school in so long. I sort of felt nostalgic for high school yesterday. The bills are piling up and responsibility is yelling at me and I just wanted to go home to Morgantown Kentucky and crawl into my mother's lap. That was for like 5 seconds and then I remembered that high school sucked and I almost didn't make it through. I realized that wanting to be in high school again will get me nowhere. I'm in the here and now for a reason. I might as well like, seize the day or something right?

What I wanna do is....

Some of the things I shall do in my life:

1. Live in England
2. Become a successful OB/GYN
3. Fall in love and get married
4. Meet Imogen Heap
5. Travel to all the places I want to go (the list is long)
6. Learn Spanish, French, German, Swedish (and about ten others)
7. Create something amazing
8. Be happy
9. Get the abs that I had in high school back
10. Learn to play guitar

These are just a few but I'm getting these from memory so I'll add more later!

Too much to ask

I have a serious thing going on right now. I have been trying to get over this thing for half a year now. It seems like it has been half my life. She was my old roommate/best friend who now hates me very much. We were everything to each other and I ruined it. She is the entire reason I am so freaking messed up......the whole entire freaking reason. I'm sorry I'm just freaking out a little bit about this. I don't even know why I am so freaked about it. She is the reason for all the recent madness. I cried for the entire trip to Seattle over her and all that mess. I wrote about 25 songs. I write blogs about it because we were best friends, closer than best friends or sisters and I ruined it and look at me now....I can't deal. Everytime I see her or hear about her or something reminds me of her, my heart stings and I feel sick and then it all starts all over again. It all just never ends because the whole thing is my fault. I ruined the greatest thing I ever had and now it is leaking back into my life after I thought I had at least kept it away for this long. What am I going to do? I can't ever be normal again. I can't trust anyone or feel anything. I can't think about it or wonder about it or her because it will just make it worse right? It will make it worse and it will really never go away then. I tried to talk to her and I tried to gain some sort of closure but it just won't come. Why is that? Why can't I just be free of her and this whole crappy thing? I don't know what all of this means but there has to be a reason that I can't even remotely come close to getting over this crap. Will I always be scary and damaged? I had some baggage before but now I'm just seriously screwed up. Why won't this pain lessen or let up? Part of me wants to be done with her and this and all of it and the other part wants to hang on for dear life and pray to God or someone that she will take me back and be my best friend again. Is that too much to ask?

Starts with one

Well, here's the first post folks. I'm currently in good ol' Kentucky. The terms by which I came to be here suck though. My grandma passed away so I came in for her funeral. I went to her visitation at the funeral home today and naturally, awkwardness ensued. People don't know what to say to you and you don't know what to say to them. Weird. It has however, been fun to see my old friends and just relax for a while. My southern accent is back and stronger than ever. Ya'll probably can't wait to hear it when I get home. Well, when I have some better and more conherent thoughts, I'll post them so you won't sit there at your computer and wonder what the crap I'm talking about. Until then, laters....