Friday, September 28, 2007

Roll Over and Play Dead

A look around and just feel alone. Falsities are all around me. People say they love me and care about me but my own mother doesn't even call me. I'm not saying that I have absolutely no one because there are a few people in my life who say that they care and I know that they do. Then there are all the others who have all their excuses and reasons why. They say one thing and do another. I just want to have those people that everyone else has. I'm just bitter I guess. What's so wrong with being bitter in this situation though? There is always something that is never right. It's something to feel nothing at all. That's how I'm starting to feel now. Like that if I get upset I am just being too intense. But please allow me a few minutes to be intense and overreact like usual. This is the only way that I can be okay someday. Before when my friends would completely well not be friends, I would just look the other way but I can't roll over and play dead anymore. Why am the only one without someone? It is always this way. If people weren't so fake maybe I'd know what is so wrong with me. People act like everything is so great and that they have to have me in their life and then here we are. They move away, they study abroad, they get new roommates and then there's me. And those people don't feel like this. Promises are meant to be broken I suppose. But what am I? In third grade being sad because my dad didn't get me a bike? No. When you tell someone that you are there for them, then you are there for them. Isn't that the rule? Why is it that I have the stupidest people come into my life? I have two great people right now and thank God for them. When the smoke clears, they are all that I have left. Those who betray, lie, and hurt can't be important any longer.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Person

Lately, I've been watching my friends and their friends interact. I've noticed that though there are several friends that I consider best friends, none of them consider me theirs. There is always someone that they are closer to. I had one friend tell me once that I was her best friend but that she has tons of "best friends". Wow. She really knew how to make me feel special. I just want that type of friend for myself. These people like me enough to be friends with me so I don't get the problem. It hurts me. Everyone has their "person". Well, who is mine?

Saturday, September 8, 2007

But why?

I have so many thoughts right now that I have no clue what to do with them. I feel so alive and inspired by everything around me. I am finally coming into my own. However, I don't know what to think about it. Everything is happening so fast. I don't feel like the other people around me either and that is nice. All anyone ever talks about is getting married and having kids. These people are younger than me. What are they thinking??!! I mean, if love happens to hit you at a young age go for it but don't freak out if it doesn't. For a while I felt the pressure to get married but why? That is stupid. While these crazies want to get married, I want to live in England and meet Imogen Heap. I want to eat Italian food in a real Italian place in Italy and these people want to pick out a wedding dress. I do want to date Zach Braff though but that is just a fantasy. I feel like people don't have real dreams anymore. There are about 10 careers that I would love to have in my life in all opposite directions while some people want to be a housewife. I find it sad and as a feminist, it is setting women back a million years.....again. Everything is so jumbled but it's okay. I know what I want and everyone has their things. I think that the reason that I am not married or even in a relationship is because I am so (maybe too) passionate. I can't date a guy who hates the music I love, or dresses wrong, or doesn't like the fact that I'm so independant. I'm passionate about that stuff and most guys can't take it. I have so many sides that nobody sees. Someday that boy will come along and sweep me away. When? I don't care....I just wanna be me.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Boys are annoying!

Boyfriends are so annoying. Whether it's yours or your best friend's-they are all annoying to someone who's not you. Take my best friend for example. Her boyfriend is extra annoying and no one really cares for him. He takes EVERY second of her time from us and is seriously like always right there. Annoying right? It doesn't help that the poor girl can't maintain a balance for the life of her but still. And what's worse is that when we complain that we never ever see her we are accused of not being supportive. It's all hogwash. Of course we want our friend to freaking be happy but cheese and rice. Why do boys, especially boyfriends demand every second of our time? Like back off. The one wonderful boyfriend that I have had actually didn't do that and it was nice. We always had plenty of time together without having to abandon our friends. He told me that he didn't want my friends mad at him or for my friends and I to have problems because of him. Isn't that nice? A boy who thinks of someone else besides himself. My best friend's boyfriend should take a lesson. Think to yourself-does your boyfriend annoy the other people in your life? It's problem. There has long been a secret battle between "the best friends" and "the boyfriends". But it doesn't have to be Sisters Before Misters and all that just learn to maintain. MAINTAIN people! This friend of mine nearly lost both of her best friends over it. (It was that bad and sort of still is). So the question is now to the boys-why are you so damn annoying? Back off! As a girl who has given up on the opposite sex, stop ruining friendships with your stupid demands and freaky behavior. Boys are either scared of commitment or they are attached to your hip from the get-go. Where's the happy medium? This boyfriend of my friend is such a freak. We are in Provo and he has the fever. She can't even see straight but they have only been together for a month. It's just not right. If they were to actually get married, I'd slit my throat. What is wrong with you people? What ever happened to normal dating? The kind where you made time for everyone and if you actually did fall in love it was after a long courtship and you actually knew each other if this occured. What happened to that? They should teach that in a class at BYU. I want my friend back. Annoyed best friends of the world-unite and TAKE BACK YOUR FRIENDS!!!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Car Living 101

Guess what folks, I live in my car! Yay for me and the dismal day. I suck at life right now, so what. Living in your car isn't all that bad. Finding a place to shower and stuff is the problem. Never fear though, I got that covered. It's just the knowing that it is going to be a long damn time before I have a place of my own. Ingrid Michaelson said to "Keep Breathing"....did she live in her car in Utah? No. Just ask yourself if you would ever actually live in your car. Would you survive? I do stupid things that lead to this crap. Such is life I suppose. I can deal. You really do discover who your friends are in these type of situations though. Apparently I have none....whatever. I have my self and that is all a girl needs sometimes. You have to get to know yourself right? This is my getting-to-know-Megan phase. Not really but it's a nice thought right?? While I'm rambling, can you ever really know yourself as a person other than who you already are. There is not "finding yourself". You just are who the hell you are and you get over it. We are all messed up and damaged. We seek shelter in one another. Some people don't grasp that though. That is the problem and that is when we feel the pressure to find ourselves. Sad Sad Sad. So, in conclusion-if you have issues....who doesn't?

The Whateverness of living today.....

Well, no longer am I in school. No, I am not a quitter. Okay, well I am but not for good. Just for a semester. This whole being-in-charge-of-your-own-existence-thing sucks. Plain and simple. I couldn't pay for the over charging of school and books so I dropped out to save money. Does that make me a failure of sorts? Not really. I will be a doctor dang it. Things happen people....got over it already!