Too much to ask

I have a serious thing going on right now. I have been trying to get over this thing for half a year now. It seems like it has been half my life. She was my old roommate/best friend who now hates me very much. We were everything to each other and I ruined it. She is the entire reason I am so freaking messed up......the whole entire freaking reason. I'm sorry I'm just freaking out a little bit about this. I don't even know why I am so freaked about it. She is the reason for all the recent madness. I cried for the entire trip to Seattle over her and all that mess. I wrote about 25 songs. I write blogs about it because we were best friends, closer than best friends or sisters and I ruined it and look at me now....I can't deal. Everytime I see her or hear about her or something reminds me of her, my heart stings and I feel sick and then it all starts all over again. It all just never ends because the whole thing is my fault. I ruined the greatest thing I ever had and now it is leaking back into my life after I thought I had at least kept it away for this long. What am I going to do? I can't ever be normal again. I can't trust anyone or feel anything. I can't think about it or wonder about it or her because it will just make it worse right? It will make it worse and it will really never go away then. I tried to talk to her and I tried to gain some sort of closure but it just won't come. Why is that? Why can't I just be free of her and this whole crappy thing? I don't know what all of this means but there has to be a reason that I can't even remotely come close to getting over this crap. Will I always be scary and damaged? I had some baggage before but now I'm just seriously screwed up. Why won't this pain lessen or let up? Part of me wants to be done with her and this and all of it and the other part wants to hang on for dear life and pray to God or someone that she will take me back and be my best friend again. Is that too much to ask?