Mae

So, I've recently become obsessed and I mean obsessed with Mae. If you haven't discovered them please do now even though you tube is stupid and would only give me two of their videos to put up...enjoy!

High School Musical 3!!! AHHH!!

Holy Crap! I'm so addicted to High School! I can't wait for it!!

Target

If only moving into a new place and decorating it were this cool and fun.

WOO HOO!!!!!

It's my birthday!! Hells yeah! I'm 22!

Boredom can turn ugly...

Has anyone else noticed that looking for a job in Utah County is a horrifying nightmare from Satan? Well, I have. Why do places even say they are hiring?! I am more than qualified for all the jobs I've been applying for and yet no word still. Ridiculous. Someday I'll actually get a job. Then I can freaking go shopping.

Also, I've recently discovered "Lipstick Jungle" on NBC. The 1st season just ended but you can totally watch the whole thing on nbc.com. I highly recommend this show! It's witty, sexy, dramatic and juicy! And it's written by Candice Bushnell who wrote Sex and the City. Clearly this lady is a genius! I love this too because it's about powerful women and fashion. Those are two things I need in my life. So, thank you Corrine for making me obsessed with yet another show.

Here's some exciting news: I joined the gym! Gold's Gym to be exact. Corrine and I went in there to check it out because she got a free workout somehow and as they took us around the gym I sort of liked it. Then, they showed us the treadmill area. These weren't just any treadmills...these were amazing, super awesome treadmills. These have TV with Comcast channels and I Pod hookups. I was sold...to say the least! The thought of watching the E! Channel while running on that treadmill made me giggle with excitement! And last night I did just that. I got to run for 2o minutes on a 4.5 incline at 5 mph while soaking up E! News! Whoever thought of this is a wonderful person and I want to kiss them.

Speaking of the E! Channel, if you haven't watched Chelsea Lately...you must! Chelsea Handler is freaking so hilarious! Every time she is on that screen, I can be found rolling on the floor laughing. She's honest, raunchy and in your face! But not in a Sarah Silverman way. They are so often compared but they are nothing alike. Chelsea is much funnier. This show is great! Watch it!

Um...this concludes this random blog post that serves no purpose whatsoever...thank you.

Neutral

I did something dumb. I got sucked into the middle of my two best friend's drama. Now I feel like I have to choose. Well, I think I already chose though. But I didn't want to. I didn't mean to. But I did. What do I do now? They are both so ridiculously important to me. I love them both so much. However, they have grown to hate each other and I'm made to listen to what they say about the other one. All under the same roof. The fact that we live together doesn't make it worse at least. I just feel sick about the whole thing. One of them is on vacation and the other is here with me. I feel as though I've chosen her though I wanted to remain neutral. The fact that one is gone makes it even harder. She doesn't know what I've done yet. In true Megan fashion, I've written her a long letter, telling her that I feel like I've betrayed her fragile trust and that I want a second chance. Will she ever read it? Is it possible to remain a neutral party in this situation? Someone please give me some feedback.

For the love of Buddha and Ghandhi

Hey everyone! Please, for the love of Buddha and Ghandhi, check out The White Stripes if you haven't already in your life. They are almost too cool for words. There are 4 of their videos right there on my page! You know you want to listen to them. They are amazing!

I'm a loser baby....

I've been in Provo for a week. Voluntarily. I came down here last Friday to spend the weekend with my best friend Megan and haven't left yet. I've started doing the dishes and cleaning the house too. We sleep in the living room and just chill when she gets home from work. I've reached a new low of loser. This is for several reasons. First, I just chill here all day waiting for her and Corrine (her roommate and my other bestie) to come home so we can hang out. I could go somewhere I guess. I could even say, "hey, I think I'm just gonna go home and work today." But I don't, I just chill here and occasionally lay out for an hour or two. The second reason I'm such a loser is that I'm voluntarily chilling in Provo. I moved to Salt Lake because I hated Provo so much. I became friends with Megan like a month before I moved and the moving part was already happening. But, I spend every weekend down here now and have now been here for a week. The third reason is that I actually contemplating moving back to Provo. Mind you, this contemplation is in its beginning stages but still. It would be easier if this is where I want to spend all my time anyway. Riding the train sucks. I have to ride it from downtown where I live, all the way to Sandy and then wait for the bus to come and take me to Provo. It takes like, 2 hours. Anyone got any thoughts on how much of a loser I would be if I moved back to Provo for the summer?

The Con

I am obsessed with Tegan and Sara. If you don't know them, get to know them. They are amazing!

Salt Lake

I've lived in Salt Lake for several days now. What have I done with my time spent in the big city you might ask? Well, so far I've watched two seasons of Grey's Anatomy (as if I hadn't watched them enough already), season 6 of Sex and the City and just about every movie in the house. Lame-o. I haven't even gone to Temple Square which is literally less than a block from me. I should be looking for a job but I want a break. Is something wrong with that? I'll be okay I suppose. It's still too cold for me to want to go around downtown. Damn Utah weather. It's ridiculous that it snowed last week. It's the middle of April for crying out loud. Ridiculous. Oh well. I am so much more happy up here. Provo is such a piece of gayness. I hope to never live in Utah County again. Two of my closest friends live up here so it makes it even better. Well, there's the update. I'll blog soon!

Sunday Morning Babble

So. I am moving to Salt Lake City on Friday. This means finally escaping Provo...with all the zoobies and crazy people getting married after one week of dating. I mean there might be a few of those up in Salt Lake but not everywhere you friggin' go like here. It's going to be hard to be away from my friends but it's worth being out of Provo. Talk about a life suck. The people here are just friggin' weird. Anyway, enough about zoobies.

I'm supposed totally be a church right now but I didn't want to walk all the way up to BYU so that the weirdos of my ward could act like they care about how my week went. So, I'm blogging and watching Grey's Anatomy. All I ever do is watch Grey's. It's an addiction I can't fight and don't care to. I love this show!!! I am emotionally involved with each of these characters. I'm way sad that Addison (Kate Walsh) left the show to do Private Practice. I love that show too but I need her on my Grey's. She's mostly my favorite person on the show. Though there are so many that I love. I love Christina and Meredith. I love their friendship too. Most of the time I like Izzie but sometimes she bothers me. I do hate George and Alex though. Sadly it was Meredith that broke George. And of course I am utterly infatuated with McDreamy and McSteamy. There just aren't words.

So, I now wish to dwell for a moment on how much I just totally wanna be a rock star. Now that I'm going to school for music, I just keep seeing myself actually fulfilling my dream of having a band and rocking people's faces off. I watch Hayley Williams and I just know that that is where I belong. I write all these friggin' songs and I just can't see anyone else singing them but me. That would be like being naked in front of the crowd. At least if I'm singing it, I can better control how I feel. I don't know that for sure but whatever. Is this whole thing totally silly? Maybe.

This is for you, Kristen

This is so funny! I love these commercials.

Awake.

I freaking do not like insomnia. It's messing everything up. Well mostly just my sleep but still. One of my friends said I should try sleeping pills. Wouldn't that be lovely? Ha ha...I think I would be baked out on those way too much. Or, I'd die like Heath Ledger from an accidental OD. Anyway, if anyone has an ideas for remedies of insomnia holla 'atcha girl!

It's like an orgasm for your eyes.

Let's just take a few moments to discuss two men that have been running through my mind lately. They are both so darn hot your teeth could melt but I can't help but think that there is more to them than just being damn sexy. These men are intelligent and talented...two very important qualities in my book. Let's start with Jared Leto. What a yummy slice of hotness. Not only is he in some of my favorite movies of all time but he's the lead singer of one of my favorite bands of all time, 30 Seconds to Mars. Please rent a Jared movie and listen to some 30 Seconds to Mars. This man cannot be missed plus, he's one of the only guys I know that can pull off eyeliner. Next we have James McAvoy. Wow. He's Scottish, which alone is enough for me. James is in about ten movies right now so check one out at least. Atonement is my favorite! Now that I look at these two men there on the page together, I realize that I must have a thing for dark hair and blue eyes. S.E.X.Y. Anyway....please drool over these/enjoy. I know I will.

Megan has a strange brain.

So, I spent all of last night thinking in third person. Megan walks down the street. Megan has issues. Megan doesn't really like this weather. On and on. I did this for about an hour and then got distracted. But isn't that totally weird? I thought about writing a song like that but it would be gay. Or maybe not. Megan isn't sure. Megan has a sundburn. Megan's skin is therefore peeling. Megan thinks this is disgusting. Funny funny. I don't know why I think the way I do but I just do. Like last night I was thinking about Meredith Grey as I walked. I had watched an episode from season 4 that day so I was thinking about some of the stuff she had said. She was telling her half-sister about the fact that she has "obvious daddy issues". This meaning that since her father wasn't around in her life, she you know, sleeps around and has trust and commitment issues. The sleeping around isn't really that big an issue but the trusting and commitment thing stood out to me. Megan has that problem in her life. My father was around but not there. He was totally emotionally absent. So, am I very similar to Meredith with the daddy issues or not? Megan doesn't know. Megan wants to know. Megan just realized that she went off on a random tangent for a long time there. Megan is sorry. Maybe I think in 3rd person because I live in my own little fantasy world. I come up with weird daydream type stuff all the time. I imagine what I would say if I was being interviewed and I guess I've started to think like that. Megan is a freak. Maybe someday all that will come true and someone will interview me all the time. Then all this 3rd person thinking will pay off and be worth something. I wish I could make up my silly mind about what to be when I "grow up". Do people ever even grow up anyway? It doesn't seem like it. I would love to be a doctor. But, I may be too artsy for that. I love writing. I have a notebook full of songs. And, I just wrote page 100 of my story/novel thing. I sort of want to make it into a screenplay. It would need serious work but Megan has nothing better to do. So, the question goes to my readers.....what should I be? What would best suit me based on what you know about my personality?

....and I'm back in the game!

So, sorry about the hiatus friends. Thanks to my good friend Kristen, I was reminded that I needed to blog again. Oh how I have missed it! So, I have recently decided to retreat from this zoobie-laden town and am moving to Salt Lake. Yay for that or whatever. After snowboarding all day, my brain is a little rattled but I think if I ramble a little longer, something witty and interesting will make it onto this post. I think I'm going to start a T-Shirt company. Add that one to the long list of careers I may choose one day. I just can't decide what I should do in life. There are too many cool ways to make money nowadays. But back to the t-shirt thing, I am always thinking of random, witty things that I would love to like, wear on my chest. If anyone reading this thinks this idea isn't totally dumb, please speak now. Kristen? Anyway, spring is totally here. I actually could care less about spring though. It's summer that I'm interested in! I effing love summer! The sun is like a drug to me and I am addicted. I do become a black person every summer so there's your evidence. I'll probably going to get skin cancer someday but at least I'll have a sweet tan for my funeral. I'm just kidding...well sort of. Well, this spring isn't going to be so bad. My snarky roommate (we'll call her Snarah) moved out and my self esteem is at an all time high. Don't get too excited, this is a really low scale we're working with but yeah. So, things have been looking up. Well, maybe I'll post something better later tonight, waiting for wit isn't easy.

Hallmark Commercial

This is just so cute and funny. I bet my parent's met that way. Gross.

The Truth Hurts, Boys...

Yes! This one cracks me up every time!

Yay!

I got a new job!!! Yay for me!

Money will soon be rolling in! If you live near Provo or in it, come and see me!

Enchanted

What is not to love about a movie with James Marsden and the delicious Patrick Dempsey?? This movie is pretty corny but I laughed so much through it that my mouth hurt. It's in the dollar theatre so go see it...trust me!

We Are Broken

So, as you my friends have probably noticed....I LOVE Paramore!!!! I have been thinking about a good friend of mine who is having a really hard time right now and I thought about me and my friends and I realized that this song is so good for right now. Enjoy!

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me
Yeah
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole
Lock the doors
Cause I like to capture this voice
it came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
I'll show myself it wasn't forged
We're at war
We live like this
Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole
Tower over me
Tower over me
And I'll take the truth at any cost
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

I want Hayley Williams' hair.

I want to do my hair like this. I mean, why not? I need feedback so please let me know....

Things.

I was re-doing my "About Me" section on myspace today and decided to add what I wrote to a blog. It's just some really random yet interesting things about good ol' me.

I'm from Kentucky originally but I'm not really much of a redneck. I've lived in Utah for two years now. I would love to be a vegetarian but have yet to give up chicken for good. I sometimes think in a British accent. I collect phrasebooks and read them constantly. My favorite color used to be blue but is now black. I love the way my skin looks when I have a tan. Writing is my passion and I am always writing something. I consider myself to be artsy though I can't draw or paint. I wear big sunglasses. I love shoes and buy them constantly. Music is also my passion. I love Grey's Anatomy and have seen every episode at least three times. I can remember tiny details about everything. I once said all 13 Articles of Faith in 1 minute and 20 seconds. I played soccer in high school and got the most yellow cards of anyone. Ever. I have curly hair but never wear it curly. There are about 5 different careers that I want to go into. I can't decided which one to do. I love all things medical. I am adopted and know next to nothing about my real parents. I hate it when people use incorrect spellings or punctuations. I can sometimes have a bad temper. I can't lift my eyebrow like The Rock. I go on drives to clear my head. I overuse the word "naturally". I have three tattoos (so far) but my mother only knows about two. I almost never blow-dry my hair. I once drove all the way from Seattle Washington to Provo Utah without stopping to sleep. I sold my car to move to Utah on a Wed. and was out here that Sat. I am totally a horn honker. I love Cherry/Grape Slushes from Sonic. I use ... too much in text and email conversation. I put off everything until the last moment. I work better under pressure. I hate bad drivers. I love ketchup but hate regular tomatoes. I think pickles are digusting. I always cry during "The Notebook". I am a hopeless romantic. I get tattoos mostly because I like the pain. I daydream all the time. I never sleep. I wish I could sleep. I am always too scared to tell a boy that I like him. I love talking about celebrities as if I know them. I say things before I think about them. I should wear a belt but I don't. I hate the way a hoodie feels if you wash it too much. I overuse bobbipens. I mark "Other" when something asks me my ethnicity. I was in dance class for ten years. I save movie stubs. I own over 400 CD's. I hate feet, touching them or them touching me. I love the way babies smell. I used to live in Park City. I once saw Reese Witherspoon in Opry Mills Mall in Nashville. I love stilettos. I love eyeliner but hate mascara. I secretly love Bluegrass music. I've always wished I could play the violin. I collect friends who are prettier than me. I always have two hair ties on my wrist. It takes me a long time to get over things. I like wearing things that make people ask themselves what I was thinking. I love cereal. I can cook but chose not to. I'm not very crafty. I got my sense of humor from my dad. I love Snoop Dogg's voice. I like black people better than white people. Racism makes me very angry. The place where I went to elementary doesn't exist anymore. I hate cold weather and being cold but hate having the heat on. I am intolorant of ignorant people. I hate stubborn people even though I am. I have been in many fist fights. I love Shiny Toy Guns. I still love Britney Spears. I like Angelina Jolie better when she was crazy. I think "douchebag" is a funny word. I love those skanky reality dating shows on VH1. I hate mustard but I love honey mustard. I love making t-shirts with random sayings on them. I have shaved my arms since I was a freshman in high school. I was born with brown eyes (only 10% of babies are). The only video game I like is Donkey Kong Kountry. I have fonder family memories with other people's families and not my own. I used to fish everyday after school. I come from "The Catfish Capital of the World". I love dancing but am more likely to do it in front of people I don't know. I never wear my retainers. I rarely go a day without watching the E! Channel. I've had my favorite pair of jeans since my junior year of high school. I have yet to get tired of Imogen Heap, with whom I am almost obsessed. I have a thing for stars. I really like Lindsay Lohan but I hate Paris Hilton. Smells and sounds remind me of things buried in my past. I love milk. I almost always remember my dreams. I love, love, love going to concerts. I talk to the mother of a friend of mine more than I talk to my friend. I am close friends with my freshman P.E./Health teacher. I once got drunk with my band director from middle school. I got caught at a party by my dad's best friend Robin (who was also drunk). She didn't tell on me luckily. I have nearly 40 pairs of shoes. I hate lotion but wear it anyway. Sometimes I forget how to spell "of". "Fart" was a bad word in my house growing up. I called my high school algebra teacher "Big Red". Though my family is Mormon, my little sister Torah is named after the Jewish Bible. I hate cats. At my house in Kentucky, there are Christmas lights on the front porch all year long. I can't sleep if there is light anywhere. I suck at saving money. I am fluent in American Sign Language. I named my son after my best girl friend. My mom can't pronouce "aluminum" even though she has a Rank 1 Master's Degree. She also can't say "Colorado" correctly. I hate it when people are walking behind me. I've been to 34 states which is 11% of the world. I am one of the only Democrats in my home county. Large American Flags give me the creeps. I love pancakes. I hate high pitched noises. I love being barefoot. I have a list of names to name my kids. Some of them are names like Jude, Zephyr, and Cash for a boy. I hate wearing a bra. There are about 8 languages that I want to learn. I like hiking and rock climbing. I love bands that no one has heard of. I hate it when people don't text, call, email, or write back. I am almost never late. I cuss when I'm angry. I don't like actually running but I love the way you feel afterwards. I like checking the mail. I once kicked my little sister in the ribs as hard as I could. I was in high school and she was in middle school. I rode the bus to school until I got into high school. My first car was a 94 light blue Honda Accord. I am obsessed with Youtube. I am emotionally retarded. I get too involved with the characters on Grey's Anatomy. I don't bite my nails but I bite the skin around them. I pop my knuckles. My favorite piece of jewelry is a $10 ring from Lerner New York. My Grandma Ruby welded ships together for the Navy during WWII. I want to name my first daughter after her-Ruby Jane. I only have one living grandparent left. I can quote all of Mean Girls. I like pillows. I went to Jamaica in high school and my parents still don't know about it. I've been arrested twice. I have a scar on my neck from getting shot with a paint ball. My best subject in high school was history. I lived in my car for a month. I slept on Kristen's floor for a week. Later that same summer, I lived in my car again. I have since totaled my car. I think it's a good thing I'm not homeless. I spell "colour" and "theatre" like that. I used to go to sleep to A Perfect Circle. I love singing at the top of my lungs in the car. I put grape jam on my grilled cheese. Only a handful of people have seen me in my glasses. I can't think of anything else. You didn't want to know as it is probably. Enjoy anyway.

Surprisingly....

This Sunday was nice. Though the Super Bowl was ridiculously lame this year, I had an uplifting time at Stake Conference. Well, what part of it I could hear. We managed to sit in front of the most obnoxious brats in Provo. It was two guys and a girl. The dudes looked really young but the girl didn't. Who knows. They whispered (if that is what they want to call it) through the whole two hours and the boy behind me continuously kicked my seat with his dumb shoes. Then, two rows back a couple spent their time talking not even trying to whisper. So, for a lot of the meeting I sat there plotting ways I could impale them with my pen. Regardless of all this distraction, the Spirit still managed to touch my soul here and there. I've got some things to work on, but who doesn't? Things are going surprisingly well for me. I don't really know why but I like it. I usually am happy until I start to convince myself that I don't deserve to be happy. However, I am now finally willing to fight for my own happiness. I will not let myself be sabotaged. So, I realized something today about my roommate. She is an amazing girl and people just flock around her. One of the speakers was talking about being attractive to others. He spoke of finding someone to give your heart to and that we should look at ourselves and think about whether or not someone would want to give their heart to us. I don't think anyone is going to want to give their heart to me any time soon. He said that once we have truly given our hearts to Heavenly Father, we will attract others. When we are doing what we are supposed to do, we will attract the person we want. Well, the kind of person we want anyway. It takes me back to Young Women and EFY. If you want an amazing person, you have to be one. That is why Sarah is so amazing. Not only is she faithful to the Lord, she genuinely cares for those around her. Her heart is so big. I want to be like that. I think that the people who are placed in your path during life are there for a reason. We are supposed to learn and grow from one another, otherwise we would be on earth alone. I'm so grateful for the people that have been placed in my path time and time again. Some of them, you end up hanging on to for the rest of you life, others will come and go but they all make an impact. Some believe that we have struggles in life so that God may see what's really in our hearts but this is not so. God knows what is in our hearts, He is our Father after all. These struggles, afflictions, hardships and shortcomings are for US to know what is in OUR hearts. Knowing that is so helpful. Thank goodness I went to Stake Conference today!

Late night ramblings of an insomniac...

It's like almost 4 AM. What am I doing up? I don't know but at this point I might as well just stay up. I have had some things on my mind lately so I suppose now is as good a time as any to unleash them on the world. For starters, I have decided that boys in Provo Utah do not possess balls. I have bigger ones than they do! It's sad and annoying. If you like a girl, ask her the hell out!! Boys amaze me with their stupidity. They can go and knock on complete strangers doors for two years yet they can't ask a cute girl out. No wonder I'm already about to embrace the life of a spinster at the age of 21! There is no hope for the boys in this town. My type does not exist in the bubble of Provo. But, whatever...moving on.

I think that this freaking writer's strike has gone on long enough. Just give them some damn money already!! This has gone on for too long! I want my Grey's back, dang it!!

Britney Spears is back in the hospital. Thank goodness, I'm afraid she's gonna end up dead soon if something isn't done! I miss the old Britney. She was hot and good and not so white trash. Well, actually she was a little trashy but now she is just flat out insane. I want her to get some help so that she can get her career going and get custody of her kids. Poor girl. People do need to realize that she is not a bad person, she is just messed up. I know how that feels.

If you haven't seen Across the Universe, go rent it right now! It is ridiculously amazing and has inspired me beyond my wildest dreams. It's artsy and trippy (I swear I had like three acid flashbacks during it!) and the music is just breathtaking when matched with the visual experience they lay before you! Go watch it now!!

Um, let's see...I met a cute boy the other day. Which is strangely exciting. He is not from Provo and he lives in Orem. Though Orem may be next door, there are more normal men over there which is refreshing. His name is Chad. We started talking because of Anchorman as weird as that may seem. See, we were at our mutual friend Lee's house and this guy that was there had just gotten a dog. It is a dog just like Ron Burgundy's Baxter so when the dog came up and barked at me, I spouted off the ol "Baxter, you know I don't speak Spanish, in English please." Chad loved it and we spent the next few minutes quoting Anchorman. My nephew Alo was there with us and he was playing with him and laughing with him and that made him even cuter. Men that love kids are way hot, let's be honest.

So, I called my roommate Sarah a kumquat earlier, it was one of the many hilarious, roll off the couch moments of the night. The best was when her ex Jared (who lives across the grassy knoll from us) came over to borrow a pie pan. She gave it to him and then sat down and proceeded to talk about how cute he was. Then she realized that our window was open. Just then, someone knocked on the door. Sarah bolted into the next room while I had to awkwardly answer the door (it was Jared again). We nearly died once he was safely out of range. Funny funny. Me and Sarah have lots of fun times. We always end up laughing at our own laughs which is the silliest thing ever. Both of us have about ten different laughs each. Who does that?

Now I think that I am too tired to even go to sleep. I have to wake up at 10 for Stake Conference and that is only six hours away. I fear that if I go to bed now, I really won't wake up. I love sleeping so much but lately my sleep has been so messed up. Imsomnia is pathetic, I'll admit. I just want to go to sleep and wake up like a normal person. Instead, I stay up until like 3 and then sleep till 12 the next day. Bad bad bad.

Here's a question for the audience, is it totally wrong or awkward or something to have a huge crush on your best friend's older brother? I've known her brother as long as I've known her so we are pretty aquainted but I just wish he would ask me out. I feel like I'd be doing something wrong if I seriously tried to pursue him. He's just so hot and amazing though. He's smart, ambitious, really hot, funny and kind. Plus he's way strong in the gospel. Will I ever find a guy like him and I can actually go for?

That brings me to another question, why is it that the boys that you like, don't like you back? And why do the ones that are totally creepy/stalker-like/or just plain wrong the only ones who are interested? Stupid Provo.

Well, I think that is all for now. Stay tuned.

FOOL!

There really isn't a reason for me to laugh so hard at this yet I can't stop every time I see it! Enjoy!

Ventilation

Do you have friends who get mad at you for unknown reasons? I apparently do. As if I don't have enough weird things in my life, I have this friend being pissed at me. I sort of just want to give her up. I have lots of friends who are worth fighting for but this chick may not even be worth it. I have a few friends who I am still fighting for and might someday win back but she isn't even worth it. Sorry-just venting...

The Hollywood Lights Dim For A Moment

As most everyone knows by now, Heath Ledger was found dead in his apartment today. What a waste of talent. It is unclear whether his death was accidental or suicide. I can't help but be curious about what it was like for him to just lie there and wait to die (if he did kill himself). What is it like to go to sleep and never wake? I find myself sickly jealous only slightly that he is in a better place. I know that his life, as mine is, was touched by depression. What happens when you just can't go on any longer? What happens when you lay in your bed and pray for God to take you away? What must Heath have felt or thought in his last moments? Today, I found myself more depressed than ever upon hearing the news of his death. Pathetic? Maybe. Expected? Sort of. When I called my Aunt Sharon today to tell her the news, she said that it just isn't worth it to die. She also asked what someone with a life like Heath has to be sad about? According to her, what do I have to be sad about? Money doesn't buy happiness. I don't know what you have to do to be happy actually. What is so great about having nothing to yourself? My heart goes out to Heath and his family. As I sit here, trying to hang on to what I do have left, I wonder if I really will make it out of this hole? It doesn't feel like it. Plus, who gets jealous of someone for dying?

Rest In Peace
Heath Ledger
1979-2008

Laugh Your A Off

If only I'd seen this before...

Psychobabble

I've been wondering about so much lately. I've been thinking about my past. I know it is important to live in the present but I have to recognize what is to be learned from my past. You know how people say that they were feeling badly about things that had happened to them and then they heard a a heroing tale about someone else's life-and they didn't feel so bad? Like they can think of things that are worse than what's happened to them. Well, yeah-I don't know how this comes off to other people but I can't really imagine something happening to someone that is worse than my story. People have really, really bad isolated events but do that have a relentless stream of crappy in their lives? There are far worse things than death. I know how this must sound but this isn't a "whoa is me" type situation. I'm just trying to come to terms with what and who I am. I can't fully embrace the person I am becoming until I figure out the past, I mean what is it for? Why does one person have to go through all this suffering and sorrow just to become someone who can't decide what they want? I don't know what I wanna go to school for or even if I want to go. A good friend wrote something in her blog the other day that really made me think. She was talking about Biology class and how they had discussed the periodic table of the elements. The definition of an element is something that cannot be broken down anymore than it is-it is it's own purest form. She then thought of when people say that someone is "in their own element". Finally it made sense to her (the saying) and inevitably made her question what her element was. Well-here I am doing the same. I'm jealous that she had this epiphany and not me. I don't know. I mean, if every one's got their something, where the heck is mine? That whole thing reminded me why my friend and I became friends. We both desperately crave to know who we really are. Do you spend your whole life just trying to figure out who you are-only to figure it out just as you are dying? When ere are born, we are automatically placed on this pedestal. Our parents have these things that they want us to be-they expect it of us. And even someone who is like me and doesn't care what their parents think is stuck under the weight of it. We spend our whole lives just expecting. And there is this obsession with potential that everyone has. Like when my mom would tell me that by my actions, I wasn't living up to my potential. How is anyone to know what potential is? Now that I closely analyze it, it sounds ridiculous. It is, however, a great way to make someone fell hopelessly inadequate because if there really is not such a thing as potential-you are never to know what it is that you are supposed to be. Hence, you can't live up to it. Now I really just don't understand who I am or what I am supposed to be. Perfect. I have recently realized how stupid it is not to like myself. If I hate myself-who on this earth shall I trust? Your parents are supposed to be the two (or one) people in the world that will be your advocate no matter what. I know that this is not my case. So, I left myself even more vulnerable by having no one-not even myself. I can't trust anyone else not to hurt me-no matter how much I love them or they love me. The only person there is, excluding God (because He is always there of course) is ME. It's like Kate Winslet said in The Holiday (good movie by the way). She said, "I'm supposed to be the leading lady in my own life for Heaven's Sake!" It's quite true that you should never play second fiddle in your own band. But what am I to do about my virtual inability to fully trust people? Everyone knows that it takes getting hurt just once to not want to trust ever again. How do you get past the hurt of it all to let someone in? The way things work in the world make no sense to me! There's a Frou Frou song that says, "If love is surrender, who's war is it anyway?" Holy crow. This one sentence sent my brain into overdrive. When you decide to love someone, you are giving them everything. Someone who you love can hurt you far worse than any enemy ever could. That is the surrender part. So really, who's war is it? Are we ever to know the answers to these questions? Stay tuned...

P.S...if you read this one, please also read the one before it...

....I only said it would be worth it.

Sometimes I write a million posts in one day...please bare with me. I have so many thoughts that I can't really make sense of. I lay on the couch at night and just can't stop thinking. This results in a severe lack of sleep. What's worse is when I don't sleep for a whole night, I'm still not tired the next day. It's like I'm beyond tired. I think about the past and people and music and the future and just about anything else you can imagine. The past is the thing I think of most. I've begun to come to terms with lots of things in my past. I've regretted everything that has happened in the past 6 years for so long that I've become a dweller in a world that can't be changed. Regret is so ugly. It sucks the life right out of you but still I find myself doing it time and time again. I'm stupid. Though I know that I can't change what has happened to me, I still can't make sense of the lessons I've learned. So many things have factored into who I am today. I fight not to let all this depress me. I sit back and realize that I have let things of the past define me in a way that they shouldn't. I have labeled myself so many things that I am not and should not be defined by. Alcoholism has taken over my soul and that is the one thing that I do not know how to get rid of. There are so many traits of mine that I make into labels that in turn make me totally cop out. Alcoholic-depressed-addictive personality disorder-socially anxious-masochistic cutter. Scary and damaged. Is that really all I am? I don't think so therefore I'm trying to iron out all the wrinkles in the fabric of my existance. I don't know what's good for myself most of the time. When I get down on myself, the first thing I do is stop going to church. This should be the very last thing I do. Sometimes the urge to make things worse for myself (due to hopelessness) is unbearably strong. I have to fall to my knees and ask for strength. I know that I have survived some insanely difficult things in my life though. I had my son for two months and then somehow managed to gather the strength to place him with a family that could give him everything I couldn't. I look at my life and don't know where that came from. I mean, once I factor in the way I look at myself at times, I can't believe I survived that. How...? The Lord softened the blow off it all. Sometimes I swear I'm living in two worlds. The hard one and the amazing one. Looking at it all makes me see some of those amazing things I forget about. My son is amazing. My plans for the future are amazing. My friends are amazing. The fact that I am still standing is amazing. Satan has tried to burn me down for so long but I'm still here. I cannot let alcohol or a personality disorder, or depression define Megan LaKae Crafton. Look at how far I've come! Everyone has their issues. Everyone has things that they want to use to define themselves with. We are all confused. There is nothing we can do but take it as it comes. Just thinking about it makes me feel a tiny bit better about who I am. I look down "Memory Lane" and see that I have become a person. I lived long enough to be a person. I have changed and I will go on changing. I don't think that the hurt I feel a lot of the time will stop anytime soon but once things are in perspective a little more, I can see that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally seeing so clearly what I need and don't need. I need the gospel in my life. I can in fact depend on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to lift me up when I can't lift myself. All you have to do is get on your knees and pray for it. There have been too many times that I did't do that. They are waiting for us to ask for Their divine help. I've been high and low in my life but Heavenly Father is still there. He will always be there. He will never not be there. There is so much weight behind that knowledge.

MMM What D'ya Say?

Well, lately I've been marveling at the awesomeness of Imogen Heap. I have been in love with her music for over a year now but she doesn't cease to amaze me. For those of you who haven't heard her-you are in fact missing out. There is nothing more inspiring. My good friend Stacee introduced me to Frou Frou last year and since then I haven't stopped listening to both Frou Frou and Imogen Heap herself. To record "Speak for Yourself" Imogen basically locked herself in her studio for year to make it. She had to refinance her apartment to pay for this jem of an album! "Hide & Seek" is an orgasm in your ear! Recognize.




If that didn't make you want to give Imogen Heap a kiss...get out from under your rock!

This says it all....

If someone were to ask me what I think about marriage, this says it all.

Fake It Till You Make It

So, in the past I have had some seriously huge depression issues. Thankfully, my soul is a little sunnier lately. I haven't quite been able to put my finger on why but I like it. I have new roommates who are amazing which helps more than words can say. I love having people around me that lift me up, it's something new I must say. I'm trying to get my life together. It's going a little slower than I thought it would but that's okay. I'm still planning on going to school to be a doctor. I want to be a neo-natal surgeon as most people I know, know. I can't wait to get the ten years of school done!! Well, I have ten to twelve years of school plus and seven years of residency but still. Everyone just says, "Dude, that's 15 years of school!" but you know what, in 15 years I could either be a surgeon or not be one. Why not make $3 million a year?? I do however think that financial aid sucks ass. I can't get it to work for me currently and that blows. Though there are about forty things in my life that aren't working out I am bright and shiny. Well, sort of. I've been having a lot of stupid friend issues lately. I have several friends who have been treating me like crap and I want to resolve that. Then I have several friends who are mad at me for reasons unknown. I want to fix all this crap. My friends are my family so this sucks. Anyway, I am maintaining my bright and shiny uh.....facade until it is my really self that is bright and shiny.

"So Small by Carrie Underwood"