Psychobabble

I've been wondering about so much lately. I've been thinking about my past. I know it is important to live in the present but I have to recognize what is to be learned from my past. You know how people say that they were feeling badly about things that had happened to them and then they heard a a heroing tale about someone else's life-and they didn't feel so bad? Like they can think of things that are worse than what's happened to them. Well, yeah-I don't know how this comes off to other people but I can't really imagine something happening to someone that is worse than my story. People have really, really bad isolated events but do that have a relentless stream of crappy in their lives? There are far worse things than death. I know how this must sound but this isn't a "whoa is me" type situation. I'm just trying to come to terms with what and who I am. I can't fully embrace the person I am becoming until I figure out the past, I mean what is it for? Why does one person have to go through all this suffering and sorrow just to become someone who can't decide what they want? I don't know what I wanna go to school for or even if I want to go. A good friend wrote something in her blog the other day that really made me think. She was talking about Biology class and how they had discussed the periodic table of the elements. The definition of an element is something that cannot be broken down anymore than it is-it is it's own purest form. She then thought of when people say that someone is "in their own element". Finally it made sense to her (the saying) and inevitably made her question what her element was. Well-here I am doing the same. I'm jealous that she had this epiphany and not me. I don't know. I mean, if every one's got their something, where the heck is mine? That whole thing reminded me why my friend and I became friends. We both desperately crave to know who we really are. Do you spend your whole life just trying to figure out who you are-only to figure it out just as you are dying? When ere are born, we are automatically placed on this pedestal. Our parents have these things that they want us to be-they expect it of us. And even someone who is like me and doesn't care what their parents think is stuck under the weight of it. We spend our whole lives just expecting. And there is this obsession with potential that everyone has. Like when my mom would tell me that by my actions, I wasn't living up to my potential. How is anyone to know what potential is? Now that I closely analyze it, it sounds ridiculous. It is, however, a great way to make someone fell hopelessly inadequate because if there really is not such a thing as potential-you are never to know what it is that you are supposed to be. Hence, you can't live up to it. Now I really just don't understand who I am or what I am supposed to be. Perfect. I have recently realized how stupid it is not to like myself. If I hate myself-who on this earth shall I trust? Your parents are supposed to be the two (or one) people in the world that will be your advocate no matter what. I know that this is not my case. So, I left myself even more vulnerable by having no one-not even myself. I can't trust anyone else not to hurt me-no matter how much I love them or they love me. The only person there is, excluding God (because He is always there of course) is ME. It's like Kate Winslet said in The Holiday (good movie by the way). She said, "I'm supposed to be the leading lady in my own life for Heaven's Sake!" It's quite true that you should never play second fiddle in your own band. But what am I to do about my virtual inability to fully trust people? Everyone knows that it takes getting hurt just once to not want to trust ever again. How do you get past the hurt of it all to let someone in? The way things work in the world make no sense to me! There's a Frou Frou song that says, "If love is surrender, who's war is it anyway?" Holy crow. This one sentence sent my brain into overdrive. When you decide to love someone, you are giving them everything. Someone who you love can hurt you far worse than any enemy ever could. That is the surrender part. So really, who's war is it? Are we ever to know the answers to these questions? Stay tuned...

P.S...if you read this one, please also read the one before it...