....I only said it would be worth it.

Sometimes I write a million posts in one day...please bare with me. I have so many thoughts that I can't really make sense of. I lay on the couch at night and just can't stop thinking. This results in a severe lack of sleep. What's worse is when I don't sleep for a whole night, I'm still not tired the next day. It's like I'm beyond tired. I think about the past and people and music and the future and just about anything else you can imagine. The past is the thing I think of most. I've begun to come to terms with lots of things in my past. I've regretted everything that has happened in the past 6 years for so long that I've become a dweller in a world that can't be changed. Regret is so ugly. It sucks the life right out of you but still I find myself doing it time and time again. I'm stupid. Though I know that I can't change what has happened to me, I still can't make sense of the lessons I've learned. So many things have factored into who I am today. I fight not to let all this depress me. I sit back and realize that I have let things of the past define me in a way that they shouldn't. I have labeled myself so many things that I am not and should not be defined by. Alcoholism has taken over my soul and that is the one thing that I do not know how to get rid of. There are so many traits of mine that I make into labels that in turn make me totally cop out. Alcoholic-depressed-addictive personality disorder-socially anxious-masochistic cutter. Scary and damaged. Is that really all I am? I don't think so therefore I'm trying to iron out all the wrinkles in the fabric of my existance. I don't know what's good for myself most of the time. When I get down on myself, the first thing I do is stop going to church. This should be the very last thing I do. Sometimes the urge to make things worse for myself (due to hopelessness) is unbearably strong. I have to fall to my knees and ask for strength. I know that I have survived some insanely difficult things in my life though. I had my son for two months and then somehow managed to gather the strength to place him with a family that could give him everything I couldn't. I look at my life and don't know where that came from. I mean, once I factor in the way I look at myself at times, I can't believe I survived that. How...? The Lord softened the blow off it all. Sometimes I swear I'm living in two worlds. The hard one and the amazing one. Looking at it all makes me see some of those amazing things I forget about. My son is amazing. My plans for the future are amazing. My friends are amazing. The fact that I am still standing is amazing. Satan has tried to burn me down for so long but I'm still here. I cannot let alcohol or a personality disorder, or depression define Megan LaKae Crafton. Look at how far I've come! Everyone has their issues. Everyone has things that they want to use to define themselves with. We are all confused. There is nothing we can do but take it as it comes. Just thinking about it makes me feel a tiny bit better about who I am. I look down "Memory Lane" and see that I have become a person. I lived long enough to be a person. I have changed and I will go on changing. I don't think that the hurt I feel a lot of the time will stop anytime soon but once things are in perspective a little more, I can see that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally seeing so clearly what I need and don't need. I need the gospel in my life. I can in fact depend on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to lift me up when I can't lift myself. All you have to do is get on your knees and pray for it. There have been too many times that I did't do that. They are waiting for us to ask for Their divine help. I've been high and low in my life but Heavenly Father is still there. He will always be there. He will never not be there. There is so much weight behind that knowledge.