Ventilation

Do you have friends who get mad at you for unknown reasons? I apparently do. As if I don't have enough weird things in my life, I have this friend being pissed at me. I sort of just want to give her up. I have lots of friends who are worth fighting for but this chick may not even be worth it. I have a few friends who I am still fighting for and might someday win back but she isn't even worth it. Sorry-just venting...

The Hollywood Lights Dim For A Moment

As most everyone knows by now, Heath Ledger was found dead in his apartment today. What a waste of talent. It is unclear whether his death was accidental or suicide. I can't help but be curious about what it was like for him to just lie there and wait to die (if he did kill himself). What is it like to go to sleep and never wake? I find myself sickly jealous only slightly that he is in a better place. I know that his life, as mine is, was touched by depression. What happens when you just can't go on any longer? What happens when you lay in your bed and pray for God to take you away? What must Heath have felt or thought in his last moments? Today, I found myself more depressed than ever upon hearing the news of his death. Pathetic? Maybe. Expected? Sort of. When I called my Aunt Sharon today to tell her the news, she said that it just isn't worth it to die. She also asked what someone with a life like Heath has to be sad about? According to her, what do I have to be sad about? Money doesn't buy happiness. I don't know what you have to do to be happy actually. What is so great about having nothing to yourself? My heart goes out to Heath and his family. As I sit here, trying to hang on to what I do have left, I wonder if I really will make it out of this hole? It doesn't feel like it. Plus, who gets jealous of someone for dying?

Rest In Peace
Heath Ledger
1979-2008

Laugh Your A Off

If only I'd seen this before...

Psychobabble

I've been wondering about so much lately. I've been thinking about my past. I know it is important to live in the present but I have to recognize what is to be learned from my past. You know how people say that they were feeling badly about things that had happened to them and then they heard a a heroing tale about someone else's life-and they didn't feel so bad? Like they can think of things that are worse than what's happened to them. Well, yeah-I don't know how this comes off to other people but I can't really imagine something happening to someone that is worse than my story. People have really, really bad isolated events but do that have a relentless stream of crappy in their lives? There are far worse things than death. I know how this must sound but this isn't a "whoa is me" type situation. I'm just trying to come to terms with what and who I am. I can't fully embrace the person I am becoming until I figure out the past, I mean what is it for? Why does one person have to go through all this suffering and sorrow just to become someone who can't decide what they want? I don't know what I wanna go to school for or even if I want to go. A good friend wrote something in her blog the other day that really made me think. She was talking about Biology class and how they had discussed the periodic table of the elements. The definition of an element is something that cannot be broken down anymore than it is-it is it's own purest form. She then thought of when people say that someone is "in their own element". Finally it made sense to her (the saying) and inevitably made her question what her element was. Well-here I am doing the same. I'm jealous that she had this epiphany and not me. I don't know. I mean, if every one's got their something, where the heck is mine? That whole thing reminded me why my friend and I became friends. We both desperately crave to know who we really are. Do you spend your whole life just trying to figure out who you are-only to figure it out just as you are dying? When ere are born, we are automatically placed on this pedestal. Our parents have these things that they want us to be-they expect it of us. And even someone who is like me and doesn't care what their parents think is stuck under the weight of it. We spend our whole lives just expecting. And there is this obsession with potential that everyone has. Like when my mom would tell me that by my actions, I wasn't living up to my potential. How is anyone to know what potential is? Now that I closely analyze it, it sounds ridiculous. It is, however, a great way to make someone fell hopelessly inadequate because if there really is not such a thing as potential-you are never to know what it is that you are supposed to be. Hence, you can't live up to it. Now I really just don't understand who I am or what I am supposed to be. Perfect. I have recently realized how stupid it is not to like myself. If I hate myself-who on this earth shall I trust? Your parents are supposed to be the two (or one) people in the world that will be your advocate no matter what. I know that this is not my case. So, I left myself even more vulnerable by having no one-not even myself. I can't trust anyone else not to hurt me-no matter how much I love them or they love me. The only person there is, excluding God (because He is always there of course) is ME. It's like Kate Winslet said in The Holiday (good movie by the way). She said, "I'm supposed to be the leading lady in my own life for Heaven's Sake!" It's quite true that you should never play second fiddle in your own band. But what am I to do about my virtual inability to fully trust people? Everyone knows that it takes getting hurt just once to not want to trust ever again. How do you get past the hurt of it all to let someone in? The way things work in the world make no sense to me! There's a Frou Frou song that says, "If love is surrender, who's war is it anyway?" Holy crow. This one sentence sent my brain into overdrive. When you decide to love someone, you are giving them everything. Someone who you love can hurt you far worse than any enemy ever could. That is the surrender part. So really, who's war is it? Are we ever to know the answers to these questions? Stay tuned...

P.S...if you read this one, please also read the one before it...

....I only said it would be worth it.

Sometimes I write a million posts in one day...please bare with me. I have so many thoughts that I can't really make sense of. I lay on the couch at night and just can't stop thinking. This results in a severe lack of sleep. What's worse is when I don't sleep for a whole night, I'm still not tired the next day. It's like I'm beyond tired. I think about the past and people and music and the future and just about anything else you can imagine. The past is the thing I think of most. I've begun to come to terms with lots of things in my past. I've regretted everything that has happened in the past 6 years for so long that I've become a dweller in a world that can't be changed. Regret is so ugly. It sucks the life right out of you but still I find myself doing it time and time again. I'm stupid. Though I know that I can't change what has happened to me, I still can't make sense of the lessons I've learned. So many things have factored into who I am today. I fight not to let all this depress me. I sit back and realize that I have let things of the past define me in a way that they shouldn't. I have labeled myself so many things that I am not and should not be defined by. Alcoholism has taken over my soul and that is the one thing that I do not know how to get rid of. There are so many traits of mine that I make into labels that in turn make me totally cop out. Alcoholic-depressed-addictive personality disorder-socially anxious-masochistic cutter. Scary and damaged. Is that really all I am? I don't think so therefore I'm trying to iron out all the wrinkles in the fabric of my existance. I don't know what's good for myself most of the time. When I get down on myself, the first thing I do is stop going to church. This should be the very last thing I do. Sometimes the urge to make things worse for myself (due to hopelessness) is unbearably strong. I have to fall to my knees and ask for strength. I know that I have survived some insanely difficult things in my life though. I had my son for two months and then somehow managed to gather the strength to place him with a family that could give him everything I couldn't. I look at my life and don't know where that came from. I mean, once I factor in the way I look at myself at times, I can't believe I survived that. How...? The Lord softened the blow off it all. Sometimes I swear I'm living in two worlds. The hard one and the amazing one. Looking at it all makes me see some of those amazing things I forget about. My son is amazing. My plans for the future are amazing. My friends are amazing. The fact that I am still standing is amazing. Satan has tried to burn me down for so long but I'm still here. I cannot let alcohol or a personality disorder, or depression define Megan LaKae Crafton. Look at how far I've come! Everyone has their issues. Everyone has things that they want to use to define themselves with. We are all confused. There is nothing we can do but take it as it comes. Just thinking about it makes me feel a tiny bit better about who I am. I look down "Memory Lane" and see that I have become a person. I lived long enough to be a person. I have changed and I will go on changing. I don't think that the hurt I feel a lot of the time will stop anytime soon but once things are in perspective a little more, I can see that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally seeing so clearly what I need and don't need. I need the gospel in my life. I can in fact depend on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to lift me up when I can't lift myself. All you have to do is get on your knees and pray for it. There have been too many times that I did't do that. They are waiting for us to ask for Their divine help. I've been high and low in my life but Heavenly Father is still there. He will always be there. He will never not be there. There is so much weight behind that knowledge.

MMM What D'ya Say?

Well, lately I've been marveling at the awesomeness of Imogen Heap. I have been in love with her music for over a year now but she doesn't cease to amaze me. For those of you who haven't heard her-you are in fact missing out. There is nothing more inspiring. My good friend Stacee introduced me to Frou Frou last year and since then I haven't stopped listening to both Frou Frou and Imogen Heap herself. To record "Speak for Yourself" Imogen basically locked herself in her studio for year to make it. She had to refinance her apartment to pay for this jem of an album! "Hide & Seek" is an orgasm in your ear! Recognize.




If that didn't make you want to give Imogen Heap a kiss...get out from under your rock!

This says it all....

If someone were to ask me what I think about marriage, this says it all.

Fake It Till You Make It

So, in the past I have had some seriously huge depression issues. Thankfully, my soul is a little sunnier lately. I haven't quite been able to put my finger on why but I like it. I have new roommates who are amazing which helps more than words can say. I love having people around me that lift me up, it's something new I must say. I'm trying to get my life together. It's going a little slower than I thought it would but that's okay. I'm still planning on going to school to be a doctor. I want to be a neo-natal surgeon as most people I know, know. I can't wait to get the ten years of school done!! Well, I have ten to twelve years of school plus and seven years of residency but still. Everyone just says, "Dude, that's 15 years of school!" but you know what, in 15 years I could either be a surgeon or not be one. Why not make $3 million a year?? I do however think that financial aid sucks ass. I can't get it to work for me currently and that blows. Though there are about forty things in my life that aren't working out I am bright and shiny. Well, sort of. I've been having a lot of stupid friend issues lately. I have several friends who have been treating me like crap and I want to resolve that. Then I have several friends who are mad at me for reasons unknown. I want to fix all this crap. My friends are my family so this sucks. Anyway, I am maintaining my bright and shiny uh.....facade until it is my really self that is bright and shiny.

"So Small by Carrie Underwood"